I have one more research paper to write
and I can’t bring myself to start it right now. Which will inevitably lead to me freaking out sunday night trying to get it done.
I want to be done with homework so bad. I am le tired. 3 more research papers, 3 short essays, 2 tests, 4 presentations and 6 final exams to go. I can’t.
It’s late. I’m on my phone. I only slept 2 hours last night, but I can’t go to sleep because 1. I watched the last hour of Magnolia finally, and it blew my mind. 2. My sweet sweet honey brought me study snacks, and how he does nice things like that for me regularly. 3. Why I keep thinking about how almost a year ago, my friendship with someone ended. Granted, this person hadn’t been nice to me in months, and this was after I was rejected by them. But the way it ended was my fault. It was my fault because I got drunk, and said words that I didn’t actually mean, and my other “friends” decided to share what I said to this person. I would have preferred they tell me to shut my drunk ass up. I’m sure they thought it was hilarious. This was the beginning of a very accelerated end. I learn 2 weeks later what I had actually said, and who knew what. There was even some kind of pseudo reconciliation 2 weeks after the incident. Little did I know I would never see them afterward, and that our friendship would never be reconciled, even though we were such good friends for a time. I was sad, and angry, and confused as hell. I talked about it to a few people. They did not like this. I heard through the grapevine. I’m the awful one to them, but the only thing I ever really did was love them, then feel rejected, then feel abused, and then feel angry, and then get drunk, and say some drunk lies to people to make myself feel better. I was petty and a cryer, and they were insensitive and mean. It is important to note that the way I behaved the night of the beginning of the end, was deplorable. I am thoroughly embarrassed.
It was literally the perfect storm of relationship failure. I miss them. I don’t miss the added complexities of our friendship, and I definitely don’t miss being verbally berated like it was at the end, but I do miss times like the tunnels, and staying up all night playing video games and killing our hands making stencils. I miss the moments of vulnerability, the moments where we could talk about the emptiness. I miss talking about cartoons. I miss the people we knew, that they still know and I never see. I miss being part of the group. I think they are happy now, and I’m happy to I think. But I can’t help but think about what it would have been like if we had chosen a different trajectory. I wonder what it would be like if they would reach out to me. I wonder what it would be like if we could be friends again. I doubt it will ever happen. In fact, I’m almost positive they hate me now. It’s funny how things go about changing.
I’m not quitting you tumblr. Sorry for my absence, I’m in the midst of writing my thesis. Super awesome art posts will resume upon its completion!
Something for today’s NYT’s Op Ed, in response to our pharmaceutical obsessed culture, specifically new pills which can treat grief and other such natural and expected hardships in life as opposed to dealing with them naturally. Thanks to Matt Dorfman for the wonderful assignment and letting me have fun with the layout. Full story here.
